my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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