I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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