halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
