I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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