is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
