I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
