i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
