you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
