Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
