My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
