thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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