There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I would fuck him just for his dog
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
