Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
