I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
