it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
