Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
