it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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