It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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