Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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