After last night, I could never be a politician.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
