What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
