My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
