I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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