I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
