My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
