I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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