I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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