Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
did i just pee glitter
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
