I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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