I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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