so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
