WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
