She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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