So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
