i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
