I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
