Pants 0. Shit 1.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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