I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
