hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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