on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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