I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he puts the penis in happiness.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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