There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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