Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
worst night to have a conscience
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
