I wish life had little blips of pornography
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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