My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
