I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
