brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag