Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires