her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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