Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
