Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
