my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
