so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize