i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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