I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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