I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
