My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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