I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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