I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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