ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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