I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
