when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
